When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong

Below is a great story of how to use this blogs advice in all the wrong ways. It was written by a good friend of mine following the steps of this blog. Please enjoy it and check out her blog at http://kristoney.wordpress.com.

It all started next to the neighborhood dumpster.  He was chatting me up and at first I thought he was gay until he asked me to dinner with some of my friends.  He was ridiculously good looking and kind of like Hefner in a way so I thought why the hell not.  I thought it kind of weird that he would hang out in the bushes outside and wait for me to walk my dog or take out the trash but at the same time it was very flattering.  The first dinner, we went out with my friends, went ok.  My friends didn’t care much for him but I had heard around town that he was easy and I am as well so I figured fuck it, I’ll go out with him again.
The second date was at his place.  He kept talking about how good the wine was but I haven’t ever had anything from a box that was good besides my breakfast cereal.  Which brings me to the food.  I like pizza rolls but not for date food unless you’re having appetizer night with someone you’ve been dating for a while.  Not the first real date.  I don’t know why he bothered with the food anyways, I came over in just a nighty to get the point across but I think he was scared.  I would bring up a sexy conversation starter and he would reply with some remark about how cute his dog was.  The dog and I only have one thing in common, we both like bones, not each other.
He invited me over again although I must say I’m getting bored and better get some action soon or I’m going to the neighbor on the other side of me.  He asked if I would like dinner and a movie and of course I said yes.  I didn’t expect a Lord of the Rings marathon at a local movie theater though.  He said he thought it was romantic so I figured what the hell.  After the movie he mentioned that he had made reservations for us and I started to get really excited until we pulled up at Denny’s.  I was surprised because I didn’t know that Denny’s took reservations.  We walked in and there was a quiet table in the back with a Christmas candle and a vase of flower pens on the table.  For dinner, we split a Moons Over My Hammy.  I’m tired of waiting to get his moon over my hammy.  This guy really reached into his wallet for this date.  Oh well I still wanna get laid.
We had another date but I don’t remember that one.  Then he invited me over for another dinner and a movie.  I better get laid this time.  I just wanna get laid.  He put in the worst movie ever, City of Angels.  It reminds me of when my mother died.  The things I do for sex.  Next he wants to blind fold me and try to feed me and starts waving what I think are ribs in front of my face, hitting my cheek with sauce and under my nose.  I’m pretty sure he thinks he is teasing me but he’s not.  Did I mention I just wanna get laid.  But whatever I take the blind fold off and put it on him and tried to delicately place a rib in his butt, but he wasn’t ready for this base yet.  He made a bitter beer face and squealed so I polished off the rib.  He fondled my boobs and cried over Nicholas Cage and this was my cue to go.
What is wrong with me?  He asked me on another date and this time I’m getting what I came for.  I put my ropes, chains and whips in my big purse and headed over to his place.  Dinner and a movie AGAIN!  It’s cool though.  I asked for the lights on but then soon changed my mind when he got naked, lights out.  The fire was going and I took one look at the poker and thought it could definitely come in handy.  Any who, we started making out and I got his pants off and I went to touch it.  Too late.  He’s done.  Well that was uneventful.  So I went home, put on Fast and the Furious, popped in a tray of pizza rolls and whipped out my B.O.B.  Now that’s what I call seduction.


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